Gleanings from Gail

Tell me again why I am Presbyterian?

2010-08-24T17:22:00.000-07:00

I want to begin this entry by saying that I really did not become a Presbyterian by choice. I came to a specific church after being a bit of a vagabond, denominationally speaking. I grew up United Methodist, sampled all sorts of religions and Protestant denominations in college, and joined a United Church of Christ Church when I moved to the West Coast. When my daughters were very young (six months and two and a half years), I began to look for a place to call a "church home." It was totally circumstantial that I ended up at a Presbyterian church. Great children's ministry, a pastor just a few years older than I, and about 10 minutes from our house. Perfect combination.

A year and a half after I joined, I was asked to serve on a committee that was exploring different worship types and the possibility of adding a service at a different hour. After much protest, I did. Well, one might say that was the beginning of the slippery slope. So, I sat at a meeting or two and then began to ask questions. One of the meetings I asked, "So, do the Presbyterians and this church have something like the UCC's Open and Affirming?" A peer who was in seminary and also serving on the committee laughed and the rest of the committee looked at me as if I had fallen from another planet. My friend suggested we go out and get a cup of coffee. At that fated meeting, she described to me the history of the PCUSA's long and sordid history of ordination standards. My response was something like, "x$@%S!*, are you KIDDING me!?"

This was also the beginning of my own renewed sense of call (catapult) into ordained ministry. I have so often felt that I have no right to be ordained due to my own frailties and to this day, I pinch myself and wonder if the pastor police will come and find me and accus me of being an imposter. But mostly, it is because I grieve for my brothers and sisters in Christ who are so gifted, called and talented, and have been told that they are not welcome to share those gifts with the Presbyterian Church (USA).

Today I attended the beginnings of the trial that is alleging that the Rev. Dr. Janie Spahr violated her ordination vows and the "peace, unity and purity" of the church by performing legal, same-sex marriages. I recognize that we have been caught in this controversy for many years and that many much wiser, better theologians and pastors than I have argued the issues of inclusive ordination and same-sex marriage. However, I am passionately feel that Jesus really did not intend us to spend our time this way. The legal machinations, the tricks and tools of Roberts Rules of Order, the appellate process and so on and so on, almost make a mockery of "the church."

I really don't know what God intended by having me become a Presbyterian, but I do know there is a church I DON't want to be a part of, and it looks like this:

I don't want to be a part of a church that gives more credence to its rules than to Christ's compassion;

I don't want to be a part that excludes ANYONE from full, valued participation and leadership;

I don't want to be a part of a church that hides in fear;

I don't want to be a part of a church that operates out of scarcity rather than abundance;

I don't want any part of a church that has stopped thinking, acting or giving;

I don't want to be a part of a church that is more concerned with its orthodoxy than the heresies that insure that the church moves into the future;

and I do want to be a part of a church that stands up, speaks up, acts up for justice, peace, compassion and shalom for all of God's people in the name of Jesus Christ!

Thank you, Janie, for reminding us of that.

Sometimes this Pastor Thing is Questionable

2010-07-24T16:14:00.001-07:00

Disclaimer: I am changing the names to protect the guilty.
Truly, there are times that I wonder why I ever gave up a six figure income, spent the money to go to seminary so that when I graduated I could wait 9 months for a first call (after progressing in a career where I had built experience and credibility), pay some dues and gain experience all over again, so that I could lead a congregation in a shrinking denomination while making roughly 50 percent of what I made 10 years ago. Hmmmm, why did I sign up for this?

I suppose I'm feeling a bit cranky these days. I work really hard and there are a few, maybe only one or two, who think I should work harder, make less and spend less. All the while, standing afar with a raised eyebrow and a scowl. Some see no value in investing in ministry that might actually draw others in, much less serve those who never darken our doors. Someone suggested to me that it is Presbyterians who worry about money. I don't think we have the corner on that market, I believe it is the mainline church in general that is focusing on things that don't matter all that much when held up to the Gospel.

All of these woes and worries distract from ministry. I am reminded of the Psalm from the memorial I did this morning - Psalm 121.
¹ I lift up my eyes to the hills—
where does my help come from?

² My help comes from the LORD,
the Maker of heaven and earth.

³ He will not let your foot slip—
he who watches over you will not slumber;

⁴ indeed, he who watches over Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep.

⁵ The LORD watches over you—
the LORD is your shade at your right hand;

⁶ the sun will not harm you by day,
nor the moon by night.

⁷ The LORD will keep you from all harm—
he will watch over your life;

⁸ the LORD will watch over your coming and going
both now and forevermore.

Not men, nor angels, nor principalities nor powers....not money, nor mammon nor church buildings.....no thing, no person, no institution or structure.....None of those will uplift or undergird me. None of them will stand in the way.

So why do I do this ministry thing? For the sake of the Gospel alone.

A new day, a new start

2010-07-05T20:31:00.000-07:00

So, I am moving on to a new phase of life. I have begun a new 28 day cleanse, but this time it's about even more than just being attentive to my body. I've lost 27 pounds since last fall, but I have not done what I have wanted to do in terms of writing. So, I'm going to be at it again. This time I am doing a program that is provided exclusively by Arbonne International. It has more flexibility in terms of eating and the product tastes really good. Shakes, tea, vitamins, a cleansing product for 7 days called Sea Source, etc.
Many things have improved...my cholesterol, my Vitamin D levels, but my Blood Pressure has gone up. Don't really know what that is about and I'm going to see the doc tomorrow. It is frustrating to say the least!
I also feel I need to break out and begin some new things. I'm feeling more bold these days. I look forward to communicating with you all in the next 28 days!!!

2010-04-12T21:35:00.000-07:00

Angel Cards - no idea what day - Responsibility

2010-02-15T10:56:00.000-08:00

Ugh, I have been so irresponsible about writing the silly blog. This, of course, is why the irony of the angel card on my desk is so darned ironic. Responsibility. Ha! I laugh in the face of responsibility! I don't like to admit that a 50 year old woman, pastor, mom, wife, daughter, friend, should be more responsible than I am. Grown up, even. Seriously, what is this aging stuff all about, anyway? I am certain this is all complicated by the fact that I see so much of what is ahead of me. Hospitals, nursing homes, deaths, memorials.....it can begin to make a person a bit on the depressed side.

Responsible for what? for whom? when? Do I always have to be responsible? Wiktionary says responsibility is, "Answerable for an act performed or for its consequences; accountable; amenable, especially legally or politically; Capable of responding to any reasonable claim; able to answer reasonably for one's conduct and obligations; capable of rational conduct;" Oh, come on, seriously, is this really what it means to be responsible? I've failed, I feel anything but responsible. I want to be a child. To play. To run and not be caught. I want to play the prodigal for as long as I can.

This is probably irresponsible writing....who knows who is reading this?! Oh, well, it's my stream of consciousness speaking - I'm not responsible!

Goodbye

2010-02-01T17:24:00.000-08:00

I am not "feeling" the writing thing for the moment. I may feel different tomorrow. Today one of the dearest members of our congregation died. Now, I think I have probably done close to 50 or 60 memorial services in my 8 years of ministry, and I want to say, that in some way, I'm really good at death, dying, bereavement and comfort. I have been in numerous rooms and homes with dead and dying bodies and it does not freak me out. I find something very beautiful in death. I see so many similarities to the birthing process of a mother. This morning when I went to see M. she was struggling to breathe and was in a fair amount of distress and struggle. I left her room around 12:30 pm. They had just administered some morphine and in the 10 minutes before I left, I could see she was beginning to ease a bit. I got an email that she had died around 2 pm. Once the tension was released, the process of dying was quick and, I hope, relatively painless.

All of this being said, I'm sad. M. was 89 years old and she went to church her whole life. She told me numerous times that she was ready to go home. Her husband died last July and her daughter died a number of years ago. She loved her family and was a very smart woman. She had her mind until nearly the end. I will miss our talks. She would always apologize for being a burden. I would always tell her she was a gift. I know she was ready, but I was not.

I really don't understand why God wants us to feel this sort of pain and loss. It makes no sense to me and as a minister, well, that's a pretty risky thing to say. All of this turmoil could simply be the after effects of turning 50 in October. Whatever the reason, I don't like it.

Poets say it best. From Mary Oliver's "When Death Comes:"

When it's over, I want to say all my life
I was a bride married to amazement.
I was the bridegroom, taking the world into my arms.

When it's over, I don't want to wonder
if I have made of my life something particular, and real.

I don't want to find myself sighing and frightened,
or full of argument.

I don't want to end up simply having visited this world

- Mary Oliver

Day 0 - Dance

2010-01-23T22:47:00.000-08:00

Tonight I volunteered for Company C Ballet. I think there are few things that make me feel as alive as a "spectator" as dance. I feel the range of emotions....deep passionate love, leaping out of your skin joy, a sadness that the body expresses that extends far beyond words could EVER begin to evoke, just to name a few. There is something that is magical and captivating about this particular company. They are fresh, different, new, dance fusion of ballet, contemporary, modern and jazz. Their choreographer is brilliant and he demands a tremendous amount of physical endurance as well as artistry from his dancers.

My favorite work of the night was "Akimbo," which is an adjective meaning with hand on hip and elbow bent outward: to stand with arms akimbo.They did that, but oh so much more. The piece was lyrical and rhythmic, all at the same time. One of the other things that struck me was that this program had more duets and solos. I think dance solos are difficult, but the solos this night were magnificent.

I am always trying to come up with more and new ways to describe this company: raw, fesh, exciting, youthful, mesmerizing, real. When I say real, I mean that while they are superb dancers, they aren't "perfect" in that stiff, artificial, "hold your breath because if someone makes a misstep it's going to be disastrous" sort of way. With all the distress in the economy, the disasters and wars and famine throughout the world, and a general decline in appreciation for the arts, I fear that someday we will lose the ballet. But with all that is turned upside down in our world, isn't that even more reason we need to keep it?

Angel Cards - Day 13 Education

2010-01-22T17:15:00.000-08:00

I always need excuses for why it has been too long since I've done a blog entry. Hmmmm, I think this time it's my anger, frustration, sadness, grief, and resistance. Just to name a few! Let me share a bit of my life:
1. Last weekend we saw Daughter #1 and dear friends for life. Lovely.
2. Watched, read and pondered the devastation, death, and destruction in Haiti. Heart wrenching.
3. Led a memorial service for a man who died too soon. Sadness
4. Listened as courts evaluate human rights, Supreme Court gives corporations human rights and health care reform keeps slipping further and further away. Shocking
5. and my word has been Education....are you kidding me!? I live in the state of California, schools in my area are facing multi-million dollar cuts. When I go to my relatively "wealthy" public school to register my daughter, I write a check for $2000 or 3000. There seems to be no commitment to education in this state, perhaps not even in the Country. State colleges continue to raise tuition while Administrators receive big raises and bonuses. Frustrating.
Grrrr. I'm having a difficult time holding onto the lovely when I have a broken heart, empathic sadness, shock, and frustration. I suppose I have something to LEARN from all of this.

Regarding number 5, I feel strongly that our more affluent schools should be sharing with school districts who are struggling. In my community, the arts and sciences foundation, which is only for supplemental band, choir, art and science programs, has an annual budget of over $1 million dollars. I am guessing, that our 3 area foundations net over $3 million a year. What if we were to share some of that with Richmond or Mt. Diablo? Perhaps it is crazy, but why not? And what if our churches were helping more? I know of one church in Berkeley that provides weekly tutoring for a low-income middle school in the area. Come on people. We have a responsibility to our children. Perhaps we all need to become a bit more educated!

Angel Cards - Day 12 Release

2010-01-18T20:44:00.001-08:00

A lesson we need to learn each day is the ability to release. We let go of our foolish desires and our needless wants. We watch our children grow and at stages along the way, we must release them. We catch and release the job we thought we really wanted, only to find out it was not the job to which we were called. We come to those difficult times in our lives when someone we love dearly dies, and we have to release our hold, our grip, our certainty that they would outlive us or that nothing bad would ever happen. That is the kind of release that makes us fearful of holding anyone or anything ever again. It's like our hearts are toddlers who get to close to the fire and burn a finger on a hot pan. The child never grabs that pan again. We must release our demands on the world to meet our expectations. We cannot assume that everything and everyone exists for our pleasure, convenience or happiness. Release. Sometimes we have to release ourselves from fear. Stand at the precipice of risk, danger and sheer terror, and jump!
See what happens when we release ourselves and others into the atmospheric weightlessness that is God.

Angel Cards - Day 11 Simplicity

2010-01-15T17:37:00.001-08:00

Simplicity in a Tree

Angel Cards - Day 10 Honesty

2010-01-11T21:28:00.000-08:00

Honesty
Truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
So help me God

Honesty
Rare, few can handle it
You can't HANDLE the truth

Honesty
Elusive, hard to find
And so much harder to tell

Honesty
Self-awareness, who am I really?
Let me see myself

Honesty
Child-like, learned so young
Easily forgotten as an adult

Honesty

Angel Cards- Day 9 Gratitude

2010-01-04T12:21:00.000-08:00

Now here is a word I can deal with. In all things, give thanks. Give thanks with a grateful heart. Count your blessings one by one. Henry Ward Beecher said, "Gratitude is the fairest blossom which springs from the soul." Those words nearly break my heart for all the times I have not received in gratitude. For the times when I have groused, complained, wished for more, been less than happy with what is. I regret the times I have not said thank you to those who have given to me....as a pastor, I can never say thank you enough. As a human, I need to be grateful for my life so that my soul springs forth into a blossoming garden.

Give thanks!

a random sharing

2010-01-02T10:55:00.000-08:00

In November, I went to a conference that featured David Whyte, the poet, and he talked about crucial conversations. We were sent away to walk, be in silence, be alone, write, do whatever we wanted. This is what I did:

I walked the labyrinth today
In an awkward, stilted gait
I'm always fearful of getting it wrong
Even though there's only one way in and one way out

I stumble on the rocks at every turn
It's like there is an extra stone at each turn
And the walk seems so long.
A journey to nowhere, no way, no one

AS I enter the center I feel so far from it
The question has been lost
I am walking without aim or purpose
How can it be that when we believe we are so close
to the end we are actually near the beginning?
And when we think we are only at the start,
the end is very near?

I keep staring at my feet
as if
they will carry me somewhere that I am not
rather than let them hold me grounded and firm
exactly where I am.

I walked the labyrinth today
In a confident, stable air
the path will take me
wherever I am intended to go,
if only,
I let it take me
take me away
Take me to now
Take me to myself
I am walking without

Angel Cards - Day 9 Harmony

2010-01-01T17:13:00.000-08:00

The most harmonious sound is silence - GCD

Angel Cards - Day 8 Purification

2009-12-30T22:34:00.000-08:00

So, I have a beef. I know that some of you read this from time to time. Some of you have even commented when I stop that you haven't seen me post in a while. However, none of you seem to comment on the blog itself. I find that extremely irritating! It's like putting something into the air and having it just disappear. I'm a relational person, so I lose the motivation to write if no one says anything. Please.....make a comment even if it's "Gail, this writing sucks." Well, maybe not that extreme and rude....

So, the word for the last 3 days has been Purification! I HATE this word. It has very negative connotations for me. It implies elimination and that whatever is being purified is bad, thus the need for eliminating whatever that bad substance is. I realize it also has biblical and ecclesiastical meaning, as in "preserving the peace, unity and purity of the church." Perhaps I've just never understood this. What can possibly be pure about a church? It's made up of a bunch of human beings.

Then there is the Purification Codes of the Old Testament....oy, don't get me started. It's just all this white, pure, unblemished talk that give me the creeps. I don't suppose a Protestant minister should even be saying this, but I don't care for people who believe it is their job to make the church, other people or the world pure. I'm pretty sure that any purifying to be done should be done by God! End of story....or not!

Angel Cards - Day 7 Beauty

2009-12-27T21:23:00.000-08:00

Yes, it's been a few days. I took some time off for Christmas Eve, family meals and gatherings, and preparing for worship this morning.

Beauty is everywhere if we're willing to see it. I once wrote a theological piece on beauty according to Thomas Aquinas, for a church history/philosophy class. I'm not sure I still have that piece but the gist of it was that beauty is more than what we make it to be. It's createdness. It's about God calling creation good. Very, very good.

Beauty isn't just about the physical. I think I most often see beauty in emotions and sharing and incarnation. Today I saw beauty in invitation. We read Christmas stories in worship and the woman who read a story started to weep as she read The Winter's Tale and the part where the mare dies. Her husband died this summer. Then I got up to read the Pearl S. Buck story, Christmas Day in the Morning. It's about a man who gave his father a gift when he was a teenager. They lived on a farm and Christmas morning he got up and did all the chores before his father awoke. The man was now an adult and his father had died, but he still woke at 4a.m. and remembered the love and the gift that he shared. I choked because it reminded me of my father who died two years ago. He worked on the farm and woke early each morning to feed and water the livestock. I had read and rehearsed the story several times and did not make the connection. It was not until I was standing before the congregation, a community, the people I love and who (mostly) love me, that I had the revelation. To me, that is beauty.

Angel Cards - Day 6 Transformation

2009-12-23T20:39:00.000-08:00

When I was going through a pretty rough time in my life, I was introduced to a poet named David Whyte. I was at a point where I was really searching and seeking to find who I was and what I was supposed to be doing. It was after seminary and I really thought I'd already figured that out (and spent an awful lot of time, energy and money doing so!) A dear and wise friend gave me a book of David's poetry. I read and listened to every thing he wrote. He spoke to me at the deepest core of my being in a way that I had not felt in a long time. It was very much a timing thing. Some of the stuff I go back to read now does not even begin to move me.

But transformation is a funny thing. I'm not always aware that I'm changing. I don't feel all that different from day to day. Then, something will cause me to look back over a longer stretch of time and I realize how far I've come. Not like I've "made it" or that the journey happens in a linear fashion, but that I've learned and changed. I've become more responsible than I was when I was 25. I'm more compassionate now that I'm a pastor. I am less afraid of death than when I was younger (odd, I know). I like being with people in crisis (I guess that's good for a pastor). I know that I'm a leader, but not stereotypically so. I have become and I'm still becoming....every single day. Let me share with you from a poet's perspective, one of the places I used to be. in the "Sweet Darkness" by David Whyte:

When your eyes are tired
the world is tired also.

When your vision has gone
no part of the world can find you.

Time to go into the dark
where the night has eyes
to recognize its own.

There you can be sure
you are not beyond love.

The dark will be your womb
tonight.

The night will give you a horizon
further than you can see.

You must learn one thing:
the world was made to be free in.

Give up all the other worlds
except the one to which you belong.

Sometimes it takes darkness and the sweet
confinement of your aloneness
to learn

anything or anyone
that does not bring you alive

is too small for you.

Angel Cards - Day 5 Openness

2009-12-22T22:40:00.000-08:00

A friend of mine suggested that I pull one of these angel cards in the morning so that I can carry the word with me throughout the day and write about where I saw or felt or experienced this word. I am not certain I am that smart or aware or articulate. I'm not even sure what openness looks like.

I do have this notion that openness is not singular. I think it doesn't occur in one person. In order for me to experience openness, there has to be some other person, being, or spirit that is reciprocating openness. However, I can't be aware of what is going on around me, within me or through me if I'm closed. This reminds me of the concept of the Trinity. Open and self giving. Love that always has an open seat at the table. The dancing circle that is always open for one more person to join the dance. Always. There is no way to close the circle.

Today I had breakfast with a friend who is going through a rough time. I hope I offered her openness and that the table we shared was love and there was room for others to sit, to speak and to dance.

Angel Cards - Day 4 Tenderness

2009-12-21T23:16:00.000-08:00

Tenderness
Simplicity
Innocence
A baby's cheeks
Two people who've been married for over 50 years showing public displays of affection

Tenderness
Empathy
Feeling more than is humanly possible
A sympathetic smile
The scene from the Special Olympics where the runners help one of the other racers across the finish line

Tenderness
Sweetness
Gentleness
Charity
A friend who sits by your side while you cry your deepest sadness

Tenderness
Kindness
Love
Sweet sweet spirits
The one who understands when no one else does

Tenderness

Angel Cards - Day 3 Balance

2009-12-20T22:21:00.000-08:00

Balance!? Balance!? Are you KIDDING me? You all, or at least most of you all, have absolutely no idea how ironic it is that I would draw this word today. First of all, this has been a key word for me for the last year or so. Prior to that, it was freedom. Balance is both a physical and a metaphoric challenge for me. I've always been a bit of a klutz, very un-athletic and well, I can't even ride a bike! So, when I was making a personal goal for myself last year, the word that arose was balance.

The other reason that balance is a challenge for me, is that I have a very difficult time saying no. I can an barely even form my lips around the word. I live with an illusion that every good thing I'm offered deserves a yes (this can be problematic when it comes to food, too). There must always be time to fit in just one more activity, job, speaking engagement, event or the like, into my already jam-packed schedule. If I weren't supposed to do all these things, God surely wouldn't not have allowed them to be presented to me, right?

Sigh, so I am constantly striving for balance in my life. Another irony of this is that while I hold little or no stock in the astrological signs, I am a Libra. Yeah, the sign of the scales. Balance, balance, balance. Supposedly we are people seek harmony, equality and balance. Yep, there is that word again. Honestly, when will it ever leave me alone?

I suppose this recurring theme would not be a big deal to me if I were even close to achieving it - balance, that is. For example, today, I arose at 8 am, got to church, rehearsed with the choir at 9 am. Checked in with the leaders of the Children's Pageant and the liturgists, welcomed folks to church at 10:30 a.m. and greeted folks at fellowship hour at 11:30 a.m. Left church at 12:15 pm. Took my daughter to Target to do some Christmas shopping and searched for 15 minutes but could not find parking. Decided we should make our way toward Davis via the Vacaville Outlet Malls so that she could find her gifts there. Shopped and had lunch. Got back on the freeway at 3:45 and went to the Mondavi Center for a 5 pm Chanticleer concert. Left there at 7ish and got to a restaurant where we met church members and friends for a dinner. Back in the car at 9 pm and home by 10 pm. Now, so that I might have some sense of balance in my life, I'm keeping my commitment to write at 10:32 pm. Miles to go before I sleep, miles to go before I sleep....zzzzzzz

Angel Cards - Day 2 Grace

2009-12-19T19:41:00.000-08:00

What irony to receive this word - grace. First of all, I think it is one of the most difficult words to define. Google definitions says that grace is unmerited favor. It is also a prayer said before meals and a word to describe beautiful and effortless movement. When I think of grace, the first image that comes to my mind is dance. I am a huge fan of the ballet and most any form of dance. One of my favorite scriptures is the story of David dancing (naked even!) In a way, I see this image intertwined with unmerited favor. Grace is ephemeral - that is, short lived, beginnin or ending in a day. Yes, grace is eternal, but it is also found in fleeting moments.

Sometimes grace is only recognized or understood when it seems we no longer have grace. I can feel myself winding around and around and really not coming up with much. I know in my heart that my very life and all that is in it is a gift of grace, but I can't seem to put my mind around the idea that God would love me enough to offer that grace. I guess it is what we are put on earth to do....show that grace to others so that they might see it and God for themselves.

Angel Cards - Day 1 Adventure

2009-12-18T20:22:00.000-08:00

I have found that a project or a theme is the best way for me to attack writing a blog. So, I've gone from the 28 day cleanse to Angel Cards. They're simply little word cards with pictures of angels on them. Just a thought starter, really. My friend game me her box and suggested it might be away for me to venture into writing daily again. The cards have words like purpose, courage, synthesis, etc.

Don't really know if I'm enough of a word master to come up with intersections between these words and my life, but I'll give it a shot. So, the first word is Adventure.

I guess whenever I hear that word I wince and think this word surely has nothing to do with me. I don't think of myself as much of an adventurer. It brings up the word risk along with it and I definitely don't think of myself as a risk taker. When I did a psych assessment before I entered the ministry, the psychologist who interviewed me said that was the most ridiculous thing she had ever heard. She reminded me that there are all sorts of adventure and risk. Not just one of physical endangerment, but anytime we try something new or different. When I think of it that way, I realize I jump in to adventure all the time....moved to California when I was 20 and not knowing a soul except my husband (now ex-husband). Had 3 jobs, graduated from college, and started a career in an industry in which I had no training or knowledge. By the time I was 30 I had lived in 7 different places, divorced and remarried.
Adventures are still happening...anything that involves physical, emotional or financial risk can be termed an adventure. I tend to take more than my share of financial risks....just ask my husband! Adventure involves excitement, journey, the unknown and an awareness that we are not always in control. Oh drat! I like being in control.

Who knows, maybe this next writing project is in and of itself an "adventure." We'll see!

the holidays are upon me

2009-12-08T17:19:00.000-08:00

Literally, I feel as if it is crushing me. This is the time of year when we feel ourselves trying to keep pace with advertisements, shopping schedules, costco lines, shipping stores, etc. The spirit of the season seems all but lost to me. Is it any wonder so many of us are sick or just generally dragging during this time of year. I want to stop. I don't want to decorate my whole house or fill my cart with gifts that none of us really need, and I really, really, really don't want to eat and drink myself into oblivion. This is sooooo hard! All the yummy goods, special meals, festive occasions. I MUST think of other ways to celebrate. Well, as a pastor, that shouldn't be too hard, right? ho ho ho....Merry Christmas!

no more cleansing but.....

2009-11-19T18:35:00.000-08:00

So, I have completed the 28 days. I am through but I'm not finished. I feel good, although I must say that I had this quirky think with heart palpitations and I'm not sure it was related to the diet/food intake or if it is my hormones. Fortunately, it passed. I found another really cool food, though. Costco has 6 packs of brown rice in bowls that are microwaveable. How cool is that. Then I mixed in a bit of salmon and a tablespoon of almond butter (replaces peanut butter) and a few shakes of sweet chinese pepper sauce from TJs...sort of like a fake Thai dish. yummmmmmy! We are heading into a very tempting season and a very busy one for many of us, but especially those who are in ministry. I pray that I and others can stay healthy so that we may serve well and be well.
Peace and grace to all.

Being a pastor is weird

2009-11-07T21:02:00.000-08:00

I think I have mentioned previously that ministry is a strange kind of work. Well, this past week was no exception. It began with attending an advanced meditation class at a Buddhist monastery. I was in such a wonderful frame of mind when I got in my car. However I managed to pick up my electronic leash, otherwise known as a Blackberry, to see that I had a message from a member at the church who had recently had surgery. So, I thought I should call her. She was in a state of shock and shared with me that 4 friends of her daughter's (all in their late teens) had been in a horrible auto accident the previous night and all of them were in the hospital. So much for the Zen state, low blood pressure, etc. I went into the office but knew that I'd be driving about 45 minutes to the hospital later that afternoon. I had to decide that the young woman I was meeting for lunch who has been visiting our church for about 4 months was also a priority and I would not cancel. So, on to the office, then off to lunch. She had all sorts of interesting questions about the devil, what one has to do to get baptized and a few others I can not remember. I left there and drove to the hospital. Met lots of folks, talked, listened, prayed, etc. That was Tuesday.

Wednesday morning I left the house at 7:30 to attend a committee on preparation meeting. Led games at an inquirer retreat, talked about a variety of issues, then left. Stopped at the hospital to see a woman who had broken her hip. While I was there, I noticed there was a lot of activity and the nurses were talking in medical speak. Finally, the RN told me, after I said I was her pastor, that they were moving her to ICU as her blood pressure had been way too low for the last 24 hours. So, I talked, prayed, listened, assessed, called daughter and ultimately left the hospital. Then, I talked about nominating officers when I got back to the office. Ran to make sure the video was ready so that I could teach a class about faith and politics at 7 pm that evening. Class ended at 9, then I talked to a member for about 40 minutes and left for home ....a 14 hour day

Thursday I knew I had to do a few things and cancelled bible study. Worked on two sermons, wrote some emails, read my mail, participated in a conference call, counseled a member about her aging mother, and left the office at a decent hour. Came home and watched Gray's Anatomy.....like I needed to watch someone else's trauma and drama !?

Friday I got up and walked to meet my covenant group friend so that we could drive to the seminary to provide leadership at their Friday chapel communion service. I preached, two of my members led and a 4th provided hospitality of coffee and scones following the service. We had a meeting with the VP for alumni relations and headed home. Then, I saw my family and headed off to a workshop on progressive Christianity. Home by 9:40

Saturday worked on sermon and then walked to the church for installment two of the conference. Came home and had dinner with family. Now am vegging in front of a computer.
A friend of mine told me tonight that I need to slow down....ya think!?

28 Day Cleanse - Day 27

2009-11-04T23:03:00.000-08:00

You can see that my posts have been less frequent these last few days. And I can say that today, day 27, was not a very good food day. I like the shakes a LOT more when they are cold, icy, and blended is even better. This makes the taking with harder when I'm not going to be in a place that has ice, a blender etc. So, today I had a meeting and the foods were croissant sandwiches, cookies, potato chips and pasta salad. boo! Usually I'm in places where there is at least something that is salvageable. My compromise was to have a half of the sandwich and bypass the rest of the food...there were veggies and protein at least. I left the rest!!! Then tonight I took a prospective elder to dinner. That was both easier and more difficult. Had a protein and left half. The salad had a few beets but mostly arugula (love it!) and water. Okay, so maybe today wasn't really so bad.

Tomorrow is definitely not my last day. I am going to strive to be in control of food, and not let it control me. I will deal with my emotions (happy, sad, depressed, bored, busy, celebratory) BEFORE I eat!!!! I'll also say a prayer before I eat anything.

On a side bar, I had a marvelous experience on Tuesday morning. A friend invited me to his advanced Buddhist meditation time up at Buddha Gate Monastery in Lafayette. WOW! I have to say the ritual and mantra chant were weird to me, but the space to be in communal silence, total silence, for 30 minutes was completely amazing. My friend told me I could sit on the side, but I decided I would challenge myself to sit on the floor, cross legged and even do the prostration. I simple prayed my own prayers. Funny thing, though, the end of the chant is "Gate gate, para gate, parasamgate, Boddhi Svaha" The funny thing is that when I was in Chamber Choir at LOPC, we sang a song with this Buddhist chant. It made me giggle inside and I found it helpful to use those words that mean nothing to me to keep myself from doing the wandering mind, make a grocery list instead of being still. I was so peaceful and calm and really felt in a zone....however, my big mistake was to get in my car and glance at my cell phone. I now know that anytime I do anything like this, I should wait 30 more minutes before jumping back into the techno world....it was an emergency call about an auto accident and 4 young people related to my church community. I know my blood pressure soared at that moment and the Zen (both literal and figurative) leaped out of me in an instant. Sigh. It is soooooo difficult to stay centered. Nonetheless, I was refreshed, renewed and reenergized, if only for a few fleeting moments!

28 Day Cleanse - Day 24

2009-11-01T20:06:00.000-08:00

Oh my goodness, my brain and my heart are so full. I have had an incredible two days and very little of it has to do with food, my body or anything physical. In some ways it is easy for me to forget about those things when life gets rolling. I need to watch out for that bi-polar relationship with food - I can tend to swing from focus and attention to how I am taking care of myself and what goes into my mouth, to a complete ignorance of self-care and monitoring my intake. This is not a great swing.

Yesterday I co-led retreat with 30 plus women from my church. Amazing! Such a deep caring for one another and a desire to be in community. Food there was okay....veggies, a bit of meat from the pasta dish and some fruit. Last night David made chicken skewers and vegetables on the grill. Yummy!!!! I find I do best with a shake or two a day and two moderate to small meals.

Today was one of those days that was full to the brim. Worship and preaching, then an afternoon full of writing liturgies for Advent, followed by two visits with octogenarians who have both suffered from falls. It was such a contrast - one of them is so sad and so tired and really doesn't have the fight to keep going. The other one had just recovered from a broken hip, and fell on Friday and broke the OTHER hip. She is determined to go through surgery, rehab, and get herself back to full strength and use no walking aids (this may not be the wisest thing for her!). In both cases, I just felt so incredibly blessed and humbled to be these women's pastor.
God is so good....

28 Day Cleanse - Day 22

2009-10-30T21:20:00.000-07:00

Oh my goodness, less than a week to go, but not really. I've made a strong commitment to myself that I need to stay with this program. It's working for me and in so many ways. I'm feeling much closer to myself and to God. I have more time for prayer and contemplation because I'm not thinking about food all the time! It's such freedom. Also, my attachment to things is loosening as well. Hallelujah! Free at last! I'm on my way.....

28 Day Cleanse - Day 20

2009-10-28T18:24:00.000-07:00

I made a decision to fast from the computer during our Sabbath retreat. I left my phone in my room and only looked at it twice a day. The food was a challenge, but I had many successes. I did not eat the superb smelling pizza, cookies, cake, pecan pie (a favorite of mine). But I did feast on amazing reflections, the good fellowship of colleagues, laughter at dinner, and beautiful candlelight in the seminary chapel. I feel "fat" on God! One of the things we talked about in our retreat, the first movement of Sabbath, was stopping. I think that is so important in balanced eating. Being aware enough to stop before taking a bit, planning a menu, shopping at the grocery store, etc.

A poem

Busy
frantic, chaotic, out of control
It's a rat race but I am not a rat
I'm a human being, not a human doing
Slow me down
Make me stop
s l o w m e d o w nnnnnnnnn.
stop

28 Day Cleanse - Day 17

2009-10-25T22:56:00.000-07:00

Wow, the days are speeding by. Only one word for today: Headache! Ouch ouch ouch. Just when I thought I was over the hump, the effects of the cleanse rear their ugly heads again. I will not be defeated, though. I ask for prayers for these next 3 days as I am on retreat with a number of other pastors in the Presbytery. These events are notorious for snacks and wine and other spirits. I pray for will power and perseverance. Tomorrow I will write a more lengthy reflection. Good night and be well.....

28 Day Cleanse - Day 16

2009-10-24T22:38:00.000-07:00

Happy Anniversary to us! We spent the day at the beach and then had dinner with friends. This was a day that was more about what I didn't do than what I did. It was just too much of a hassle to take shakes and stuff with me, as we weren't going to be staying over and have any access to kitchen, ice, etc. I did a shake this morning and then for lunch hubby and I shared a sushi combo with sashimi. For dinner I had an incredible spinach with grilled chicken and sour apples and walnut salad. No cheese, no dressing and it was fabulous. Then I passed right by the dark chocolate cake with cream cheese frosting and had a cup of decaf instead. Pretty dang impressed with myself!!!! It was a fabulous day and it was not about food, but about beauty, friendship and love.

28 Day Cleanse - Days 14 and 15

2009-10-23T21:23:00.000-07:00

Oops! I was sooooo whipped last night after two 12 hour work days that I simply went from the front door to bed last evening. Did not pass go, did not collect $200 and did not blog. I do feel as if my body is adjusting to the chemical changes. I realize I have put my body through a lot of them....no dairy, no refined sugars, no wheat, limited fats, and no alcohol. That's a lot of change in a short amount of time. I think the comment SK made on my last post, the one about feasting on things besides food is a very good one. So, what does a feasting lifestyle look like? I think we've forgotten what feasting really means. Instead, we've replaced it with the idea of too much is what we live for. Overdoing it. Going for all the gusto. Eating the whole enchilada. Having one's cake and eating it too. This is not feasting.....it's gluttony. Don't go whole hog....instead, savor, enjoy, delight, take joy in the small things. A very long time ago I was in a Weight Watchers program with probably the only good leader I ever had. One of her quotes was "Nothing tastes as good as thin feels." I'm not sure I totally believe that, but perhaps we'd all be better off to heed the sentiment of the saying. Addiction to gratification, whether it be food, substances, material possessions, even human relationships, is never a good thing. Augustine said, "Our hearts are restless until they rest in Thee." Some might say it's an overused phrase, but I think it isn't until we heed it's call.

28 Day Cleanse - Day 13

2009-10-21T22:05:00.000-07:00

Unlucky 13! I made the mistake of getting on the scale today. Before you draw any conclusions from that, I've actually lost about 10 pounds! Wow!!! I'm so surprised. The reason I call it a mistake is that I really don't want it to be about the weight. I don't want to get drawn into the whole number thing. I don't want to judge my success or failure on how much weight I lose in 28 days. In fact, that would be very bad because if I do really well, I might be less likely to want to continue. I know that sounds crazy, but there is this bizarre brain activity that goes on for me that is like self-sabotage. If I do really well for a while, then I start to think, "hmmmm, it won't hurt if I just eat like a normal person for a while." I feel as if the 3 margaritas and the cheezy burrito really won't do harm. Then that turns into the yummy birthday cake with 3 inches of frosting....etc etc etc. So, I'm trying to just forget about the scale. I'll get on again at the end of the 28 days and see where I am, but until then, I want to focus on my attitude, my relationships and my health.

Continuing with the cognitive dissonance I am living with as I continue to prepare for the "Spirituality of Food" retreat, I am reading a book by Robert Farrar Capon entitled the "Supper of the Lamb." In it he gives an entire treatise that makes a case for butter. He treats each recipe and manner of food preparation as sacrament. It's fascinating and almost as tantalizing as watching the opening of Julie and Julia, where Meryl Streep (Julia) is tasting the fish in the restaurant. It's sensual and worshipful and pure delight! I guess what I'm wondering is how I can reconcile the fasting with the feasting. Any ideas?

28 Day Cleanse - Day 12

2009-10-20T18:21:00.000-07:00

I'm almost half way done with the cleanse. I've stayed off the paleo product and just doing shakes and the rest of the plan. I feel good and good about it. I think it is important to know one's limits. I'd rather be successful and realistic, than unrealistic and fail. I can say that some of my pants are loose again and that's okay, but still not the main point.

This is a day that I feel my limitations in body, mind and spirit. God give me strength!

28 Day Cleanse - Day 11

2009-10-19T19:41:00.000-07:00

Isaiah 55

Invitation to the Thirsty

¹ "Come, all you who are thirsty,
come to the waters;
and you who have no money,
come, buy and eat!
Come, buy wine and milk
without money and without cost.

² Why spend money on what is not bread,
and your labor on what does not satisfy?
Listen, listen to me, and eat what is good,
and your soul will delight in the richest of fare.

This is the passage that has been holding my attention. Nothing much more to say. What does it say to you?

28 Day Cleanse - Day 10

2009-10-18T20:35:00.000-07:00

I'm already at day 10. I can't believe it. Last night was the Octoberfest at my church and it was a challenge, but I think I did as well as could be expected. No dessert, no bread, no beer with a taste of the potatoes, one brautwurst and some very low cal sauerkraut. I personally LOVE sauerkraut. I know I'm weird.

Today was a fabulous day but I was really hungry, the reason being that I went on the CROP walk today. Nearly 5 miles of walking when all was said and done. With having been sick and the like, I had not done a walk of that length in nearly 3 weeks. I was certainly feeling it. Still struggling with the cleansing product. The formula is supposed to clean out toxins in the liver and colon and such. I guess this is the part on which I'm not completely sold. However, if it was easy to drink, eat, etc, I would not complain and give it a shot. I got some herb stuff at Whole Foods that is supposed to do the same. One day at a time is my motto.

Tonight I sauteed some eggplant (grown in a church member's garden), had brown rice and sugar snap peas and canned salmon. It sounds gross, but it was tasty. I'm becoming a big fan of the one bowl meal. What is difficult is imagining what happens when the 28 days is over. I'm starting to eat differently, but I'm not sure how realistic it is. Portion sizes are and always have been the key. Diet and exercise. There is no magic formula. What is amazing is the lengths we will go to tell ourselves that there is something else that will do the trick. Silly people!

28 Day Cleanse - Day 9

2009-10-17T16:16:00.000-07:00

I like the fact that I'm almost to double digits. So, I tried the quinoa cereal with the paleo cleanse. No go. Seriously, I choked down 4 bites and couldn't do the rest. I think cleansing is a good idea, but I'm convinced that God did not want us to eat nasty tasting stuff. There's just too much really good stuff to eat to have that make sense to me. Brown rice was with steamed zucchini slices and some prawns scattered on top. Healthy, hearty, now that's what I'm talkin' about!

I am really considering what to do about the cleanse powder. My next stop is to try to just do a chug of the minimum 8 oz of liquid followed by a chaser of lemon water. Praise God for choices.

This is the thought that I have carried with me through the day:
"When the flesh is satisfied it is hard to pray with cheerfulness or to devote oneself to a life of service which calls for much self-renunciation" (Dietrich Bonhoeffer, The Cost of Discipleship, New York: Macmillan Publ. Co., 1949, p. 189).

28 Day Cleanse - Day 8

2009-10-16T20:14:00.000-07:00

So, I have completed one week and am on to week two. In retrospect, last week was pretty good. Today I started adding a product that is called Paleo Cleanse. Gross! Disgusting! Awful! I was pretty discouraged. Tried putting this product in my shakes and almost couldn't hack it. But I started reading some of the recipes again and found I can add it to a quinoa cereal for breakfast. I figure that may be more palatable for me. The product container says to use it with 8 ounces of water. I think it may be better for me to just "chug" one of those down a day than try to tolerate with other seemingly good tasting things.

Another serendipitous happening during this 28 day journey is that I am walking with some members of my church in the Church World Service CROP walk.
What is a CROP Hunger Walk? you ask:
Neighbors walking together to take a stand against hunger in our world. Together we raise awareness and funds for international relief and development, as well as local hunger-fighting
I've raised $190 and our church has raised over $500. We're small and that seems like a drop in the bucket, but if everyone pitches in, we can do amazing things. Also, I'm looking forward to doing something that focuses outside of myself and toward serving others.

I pray for all who are hungry and tired and homeless....

28 Day Cleanse - Day 7

2009-10-15T19:13:00.000-07:00

Coming to the end of week one. Someone on the introductory conference call said that one can do anything for 28 days. I feel like the timing of this was absolutely perfect for me. I have a couple of major challenges coming up. Saturday is our church's Octoberfest....complete with bratwurst, german potatoes, some yummy apple dessert and beer. I can walk past the beer and I guess I can eat the sauerkraut, but I can only have a taste of anything else, or not at all. I'm waiting til Saturday morning to make my final decision.

The next challenge (and prayer request) is a bit more formidable. I will be at a retreat October 26-28. Fortunately, we're staying in a building with a kitchen, so I can pack my stuff. I'll just have to be diligent to stay away from all the snacks that seem to pile up at such events. It is a Sabbath retreat, so the spiritual side of me will be getting significant nourishment.

I'm still battling a head cold or something??? Wondering if it is a result of the change in habits. Then I wonder if my body is working too hard in the direction of metabolism to fight the illness. Ahhhhhhh, I can do anything for 28 days and then I'll assess. I think there is a lot in this that I can continue on the journey toward making peace with food and God.

28 Day Cleanse - Day 6

2009-10-14T23:18:00.000-07:00

So, today I hit a wall. I must admit, I'm a carbohydrate addict. I wanted sugar so badly today. Like a smoker who goes searching all the drawers for a cigarette when trying to quit, I was looking all over my office for something sweet. Rats! I found something. The seasonal sugary item: Candy Corn. I love those little orange, yellow and white confections. I can't explain it either. Okay, so before you become completely overcome with sympathy or disappointment, I only ate 5 of them. Then I stopped and realized that I'm only hurting myself. Put those dreadful little temptations out of sight and went about my day.

I think it is sort of ironic that I am preparing for a Women's Retreat in January that is entitled Soul Food: The Spirituality of Eating. It's about gratitude, justice, hospitality and celebration/feasting. I talk a bit about fasting as well. So, while I am changing my ways, I'm reading books and watching films about food. What can I say? I'm a glutton for punishment!

28 Day Cleanse - Day 5

2009-10-13T19:34:00.000-07:00

So, there is something else that I am fasting from in these 28 days. The people who know me well know I love to shop. I am not a collector like my mom, but when I'm really honest with myself, there is a part of her in my desiring to have nice stuff, fun stuff, clothes and shoes for all occasions, etc. So, I decided that while doing this 28 day body reset, that I would refrain from shopping. I am limiting my spending to groceries, gas and minimal entertainment like a night at the movies. I don't think it's good for me to eliminate all enjoyment when I'm limiting myself in the food department. Instead, my goal is to find ways to have fun, be with friends, and even go out by myself and not go shopping or not make food the main event. 5 days into this and I am not feeling withdrawals.

This morning I was reading Sojourners verse of the day, and it was Isaiah 55:10-11:
¹⁰For as the rain and the snow come down from heaven, and do not return there until they have watered the earth, making it bring forth and sprout, giving seed to the sower and bread to the eater, ¹¹so shall my word be that goes out from my mouth; it shall not return to me empty, but it shall accomplish that which I purpose, and succeed in the thing for which I sent it.
Several amazing things about this. Sunday the choir at my church sang an anthem set to this text. Also, while I was reading it, it was pouring rain outside my window. Finally, this is a part of Isaiah's prophecies that has been especially meaningful to me and my covenant group (three other women colleagues). Today there was much more focus on the spirit than the flesh.

Day 4 addendum

2009-10-12T20:21:00.000-07:00

One of my readers asked what sort of starchy veggies I am eating. Here is a sampling:

Parsnip
Plantain
Sweet Potato or Yam
Pumpkin
Acorn squash
Butternut squash
Green Peas
Corn

Also, some good grains and other choices include:

Triticale
Millet
Quinoa
Brown rice
Whole rye
Whole grain barley
Wild rice
lentils
dried beans

28 Day Cleanse - Day 4

2009-10-12T20:07:00.000-07:00

Well, today was a good day mostly. I had a brown rice dry cereal with unsweetened almond mild and truvia (brand name of stevia sweetener). I am a big cereal lover and was glad to find this alternative. It's filling. The shakes are boring but we get to mix them up with lots of fun things like frozen berries (low sugar fruit) or unsweetened cocoa. So, I had a chocolate shake with fiber boost and some almond milk. Yummy. Lunch was spinach and cage free eggs plus some berries. And lots and lots and lots of water. Did I mention lots of water.

The not good part is the nasty cold I have. It would be very easy for me to feed this misery. That's my normal pattern. I tend to eat healthy stuff, but often too much of a good thing. It's no wonder we Americans are overweight. Everywhere you turn someone is trying to get you to eat footlong Subways, large BBQ chicken pizzas piled with cheese, $6 burgers and so on. I think this is the reason that when I go to a French restaurant I'm more satisfied. Often the plates are small, but the flavors are rich and varietal. Possibly one of the tricks is to eat really good things. I'm discovering quinoa, lentils, fresh lean meats and lots and lots of veggies.
It could be worse.

My spirit is a bit low today. I helped the congregation say goodbye to one of our members today. This is two services in three days. One of our members asked me who pastors the pastor after one of these services. Very good and insightful question. I try to be balanced and keep my eye on self-care, but as the only pastor of a small church, it's harder than it sounds. All things are possible with God!

28 Day Cleanse - Day 3+

2009-10-12T07:57:00.000-07:00

So if you all that I was going to breeze thru this 28 days and tell you it is easy to stay this disciplined, you're wrong! In addition to the focus required, the body is working hard to adjust to this regimen. But what makes it easier is actually focusing on the important things. It is not lost on me that I am privileged to do a program like this. I am actually inducing hunger. So many in the world have no choice but to be hungry.

Yesterday I was previewing a video series called "Liberty and Justice For All" by Logos Productions. One of the presenters is the late Dr. M. Scott Peck of "The Road Less Traveled" fame. At one point he was talking about how the media has instilled in us that the goal in life is to be comfortable. He goes on to say that it is growth that he think is life's purpose. What was both maddening and laughable is that he is telling this to his interviewer (another white male) while they sit in comfy lawn furniture in a lush garden with a huge traditional white home showing in the background. Who is he to preach about comfort?! Who are any of us, for that matter?

Well, I digress, but it takes my mind of hunger and food and the head cold that is in its infancy. Whenever I change eating patterns, I get a cold. Oh well, all a part of the process.
God comforts the distressed and disquiets the comfortable!

28 Day Cleanse - Day 2

2009-10-10T20:33:00.000-07:00

Got up and made a multi-grain cereal with some unsweetened almond milk. One of the funny things about this plan is that you have a thing called "Wake Up!" You're supposed to get up and drink some water and tea and maybe a fizzy tab. Are you kidding me?! Since I went to bed hungry, don't they realize that the first thing I want to do when I get up is eat!? Seriously.
However, the hunger makes me much more aware of my body.

I had a shake for lunch. For dinner was two out of three. Yummy turbot and some great starchy veggies from Trader Joe's. However, the salad was a big fail. I think that cooking these veggies is more the way to go for me. I like dressing. Plain and simple. But I'm not so crazy about salad, so eating veggies in other ways is okay with me.

Back to the body awareness: Yesterday I had a headache. Today no headache. Yesterday I was a bit light headed. Today less so. The new less than pleasing side effect is a really awful taste in my mouth. What is that about?

God awareness: Nothing much to report. I led a memorial service this morning. I was certainly aware of the presence of God and my openness to follow God's lead. It's like being in the zone.
I am going to go to bed, pray for strength and go to sleep with a realization that millions of God's children go to bed hungry.

28 Day Cleanse - Day 1

2009-10-09T17:34:00.000-07:00

So, maybe this is just what it will take for me to write more regularly. I've just started a program that was recommended to me by a friend. It's called Metabolic Edge. It is a combination of very basic foods (organic lean meats, limited starchy veggies, low sugar fruits, unlimited leafy greens and other non-starchy veggies, etc), protein shakes and other products from Figure 8 by Arbonne, and a paleo cleanse product that is used after day 7 and increases to a 4 day liquid only and then reverses the trend til the end of the 28 days. It's about gratitude, doing what is good for my body, understanding what foods I may actually be allergic to, and personally, trying to spend less time focusing on food and more time focusing on God. They say when you're hungry, think drink not food (non-alcoholic, mind you). I'm adding think God. The way I look food, I can only imagine I'm going to have a LOT of God time!!!!
My plan is to blog daily and to reflect upon my changing relationship to food and to God.

P.S. I appreciate people's thoughts and concerns. I do not believe this is a program that compromises my health.

Day 1 in the very early morning

2009-08-01T06:23:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting at the computer at 6:24 am with cereal in hand. We are scheduled to leave the parking lot at 7ish. We have an 8+ hour drive ahead today. Our destination is Sisters, OR. I am wishing we could take the unseasonably cool weather with us to the heat parched Northwest! I have never gone on a trip like this and been less prepared. Usually, I'm a leader/coordinator/driver/organizer. This week, I'm simply an advisor and a parent. I am looking forward to less stress and less responsibility (we'll see how that works for me!) I pray for safe travels, willing service, transformed lives and openness for whatever God has in store.

Correction

2009-07-31T13:05:00.000-07:00

Oops! Campbell Farms has a new website http://www.campbellfarmwa.org/ See their Wish List for opportunities to send them charitable donations! I need to pack right now....unfortunately, there is no room for a portable air conditioner!!!! Eastern Washington is hot, hot, hot!

Mission Trip to Campbell Farms

2009-07-30T15:10:00.001-07:00

On Saturday morning at 7 am, I will depart from Lafayette with the youth group and their advisors from Lafayette Orinda Presbyterian Church. 3 of the other members of this mission delegation are my family (husband David and daughters Allison and Shannon). I did a mental calculation and figured that between the 4 of us, we’ve done nearly 30 mission trips in the US, Mexico and Latin America, but never has that trip been with all 4 of us present. So, this is a first. It will be Allison’s last as a high school student. We are going to Wapato, WA to Campbell Farms, a Native American reservation that is a working farm (entirely self sustaining). http://www.winbeam.com/~campbellfarm/

I hope to be able to provide some photos and other reflections from the week. But first, I have to get my head around packing! Right now my main prayer is that the heat wave of the Northwest subsides and that my heart is open and my hands willing to serve.

saying goodbye

2009-07-18T12:23:00.000-07:00

It's hard work to say goodbye and today, we do so as a church community. We bid farewell to a beloved pastor, loving sister and aunt, devoted colleague and friend to many, The Rev. Linda Ellen Regan. As a pastor at the church we she served and where she is the Pastor Emerita, I feel overwhelmed with that nagging feeling that I am not up to the task of helping others say goodbye. So much loss, so much grief, so much pain....what can I say? What can I do? I know it's not about me, but as a human being, I have the capacity to make it so. I must trust God to see me and the community through this time.

Linda's own Statement of Faith says, "Through grace: God's unconditional, undeserved, unearned love, I believe...." So I shall stand and claim that grace for myself and all others, for nothing, no nothing, can separate us from God's love.

I've been installed

2009-03-12T16:19:00.000-07:00

Just like a new Kenmore washer and dryer set, I've been what they call in the Presbyterian Church (USA), installed as the called pastor of Clayton Valley Presbyterian Church. Many people have said to me, "Did you get a new church? I didn't know you were searching?" No, I did not. I've been at CVPC since October 2007. I came in as a Temporary Supply Pastor (sort of like the ones they get off the shelf at the big box store...you know, the ones where you can buy the pastor of your dreams?) Seriously, it has been a long journey for me and for the church, but it is finally a call.
Many of the members of the church have asked me if I was excited for this to be completed. Hmmmm, excited? Maybe a better word would be relieved. Also, this is not the culmination of the call. It feels like that happened months ago. I love this church. I love the people. I love the work. I see so much to be done. I know that all will not be easy. I understand my own brokenness and the brokenness of the church. In all of it, I see God. Excited, not really. Ecstatic with God's overwhelming Spirit....Absolutely!

apologies to anyone who reads

2009-01-06T22:52:00.001-08:00

I am sorry for being absent for so long. Advent, Christmas and a horrible cold virus got the best of me! I'm just starting to feel a bit more human. As I am emerging from the fog, the stuffy nose, the itchy eyes and all the general malaise of illness, I discover that the world around me is pretty much as messed up as it was before I went into my "cave." I'm most interested right now in the ways that conflicts so far away impact the way we treat each other locally. All of this occurs as I'm crafting a grant proposal for Worship Renewal that has a central theme and focus on justice within worship and worship that moves the worshipers into acts of justice. We fool ourselves if we think the matters and the conflicts of the world do not impact us. Furthermore, we cannot despair such global acts when we treat our neighbors, families, friends and strangers in ways that destroy, disrespect and literally tear each other apart. I suppose that I could say that I myself am both blessed and cursed by the ability to see both sides. It often leaves me looking wishy washy or uncommitted or cowardly. I so desperately desire for there to be a way for people to disagree with one another and not be mean, vindictive or hateful about it. Instead of wiping out hatred or war or disunity, it comes down to eradicating fear. And to do that, people have to have what they need to feel "safe." It's such a vicious circle.

All of this angst caused me to turn to Daniel Berrigan's book, Prayer for the Morning Headlines.
Here is one of his offerings:
Miracles
Were I God almighty, I would ordain, rain fall lightly where old men trod, no death in childbirth, neither infant nor mother, ditches firm fenced against the errant blind, aircraft come to ground like any feather. No mischance, malice, knives. Tears dried. Would resolve all flaw and blockage of mind that makes us mad, sets lives awry. So I pray, under the sign of the world's murder, the ruined son; why are you silent? feverish as lions hear us in the world, caged, devoid of hope. Still, some redress and healing. The hand of an old woman turns gospel page; it flares up gently, the sudden tears of Christ.

How might such miracles be realized?

Weary and wondering

2008-12-11T18:00:00.000-08:00

I'm much too tired to put any sensible thoughts together, but thought someone might enjoy a few pictures from the Fall. Some are from Lake Tahoe and others just down the street from my house.

Daughter's Faith, Part Duex

2008-12-09T21:05:00.000-08:00

So, my youngest daughter has decided NOT to play softball this year. After a long and thoughtful process, she is determined that she needs the time to focus on school and her relationship with God. She was asked by the varsity coach to re-consider this decision. He wrote her a personal email and made some good points (good, but also somewhat transparent) stating that her ability to play was, in his view, a God-given talent and he wondered if she should waste that. He also suggested that she might be able to play and participate as a member of the team in a way that would give glory to God. This was something that I had subtly suggested, but dare not push too hard.

She wrote back and copied us on her response. Basically, she thanked him for his thoughts and said she was flattered. However, she said that while she understood any achievements or skills she had are gifts from God, she believes she has other talents and wants to spend her time developing those instead! She wished him the and the team the best in the upcoming season. A nine year career has come to an end. However, a life of faith and leadership is just beginning.....

thankfulness

2008-11-28T20:52:00.001-08:00

I generally detest holidays that set aside one day to do the things that we should do all year long, like be thankful, celebrate the religious traditions that are uniquely ours, honor our parents, etc. However, if we allow ourselves the opportunity, we can be reminded of how we can live our lives in a celebratory, thankful and honoring manner all year long. So, allow me to add to my list the things for which I am really thankful, and those for which I feel guilty for offering thanks!

First, the real ones:
Family
Friends
Faith
Shelter
Clothing
Food
Spontaneity
Work
Church
Children
Life itself
Husband
Fuyu persimmons
Yosemite
Education
Books

Now the ones that make me feel a bit guilty and self-indulgent:
The internet
Peet's coffee
NFL
Major League Baseball
Cute handbags
Gourmet Cheese
Wine
Office supplies
Christmas music
An afternoon alone at the movies
Jesus Bling (my cross collection)
Days to lounge around in my pajamas

Death does not have the final word

2008-11-21T20:08:00.000-08:00

This week one of the saints of our church died after a long illness with lung cancer. Last Saturday, I had one of those "God moment" experiences at the hospital with him and his family. Another pastor and I were there, gathered around the bedside and reading Psalms and preparing to pray. I invited all to pray, and as I usually do, I took a few deep, internal breaths. I seldom just jump into a prayer. Before I could utter any words, our church member started to pray the Lord's Prayer. He had been struggling to breathe, much less talk in any real audible fashion. He was fervent and almost boisterous in his recitation of the prayer. We proceeded and then I closed with a blessing. Last Tuesday, when I stopped in at the hospital again, his daughter pulled me out into the hallway and said that her dad, now in a coma, must have been very moved by my leading the Lord's Prayer. Of course, I was quick to say that I didn't lead it, he did. She went on to say that it was the last thing he had been able to utter before he slipped into an extended sleep and coma. Wow! Is it possible that God really does speak in our breaths, our pauses and yes, even in our prayers? Praise be to God! breathe breathe pause pause wait wait Amen!

Since when did my daughter become more faithful than me?!

2008-11-17T19:24:00.000-08:00

So, tonight, after school, my younger daughter comes home from school and confronts me with big issues. She sits me down and says in a nearly tearful way that she's thinking of quitting softball. She's realized (after a weekend away on a leadership team for a Love of God retreat for senior high school students) that her faith is more important that sports. She wonders why she is spending so much time on something that doesn't seem to have a lot of long, or even short term value, to her.
I know this is truly troubling her, since she was already considering quitting softball to take a part-time, after school job. What is stunning, is her thoughtfulness and the intensity of her feelings. She said that she doesn't feel she has the time she needs to develop a real "relationship" with God. She said she knows it isn't just about going to worship on Sundays or going through the motions, it's a way of life! Whoa! Suddenly, I feel I've been leapfrogged. How did my kids get so big, old, mature and smarter than me?

On This Day

2008-11-05T17:50:00.000-08:00

On this day
many will say
that history has been made
and it's true

On this day
many will say
that life will change
and it's true

On this day
many will say
dance in the streets and celebrate
for the truth

On this day
many will say
justice has been served
and maybe it's true

On this day
many will say
why the prejudice
and lack of what's true

On this day
many will say
but who will pray?
for all to be true

Amy Grant....still good after all these years

2008-10-25T18:28:00.000-07:00

Thursday evening I took a walk down memory lane with my husband and another couple. We drove to Morgan Hill to see Amy Grant in her 20 city tour of the Lean Me On reunion, celebrating the release of that album (it might have still been an album back then!) 20 years ago. Amazing!
There were some sweet moments, a lot of tunes I'd not listened to in ages and a real jolt of reality that like it or not, I've actually gotten older.

She kept joking about the fact that people continually come up to her and say that they like her music, but they really like her "old stuff." She talked about us being the kind of audience that now wants to just come in, sit down, relax and watch someone sing....no more jumping up and dancing and singing and so on. It's so hard to believe that we're the ones we used to call "older." That's me now! Why should this surprise me when one daughter just drove out the driveway to attend her homecoming dance and the other is at a friend's house getting ready for the same party. 20 years ago, those children weren't even born yet!!!!!

On the other hand, last week I had a young woman who is in seminary and in her mid-twenties, drop her jaw when I said I was 49 years old and later on she said I was a rock star! So, this getting older stuff isn't all bad....maybe I'm also still pretty good after all these years ;-)

Writer's Block, version 2

2008-10-23T16:12:00.000-07:00

I've known for quite some time that my most creative stuff, my richest loam, comes from deep, dark and even depressing times in my life. So, here I sit at my computer wondering why I am not able to write. I listen to my muses, the creative geniuses in my life, and wonder why I can't write like them. A Carrie Newcomer song brings me to tears with her depth, cleverness and certain connection to real life. I read a Rilke poem and wonder at the genius and the veil of creativity that is lended him by his own shadow side. What do I do? Wait for bad things to come again? That seems like a desperate way to be a writer.

My creativity feels shriveled, dead and distant. How can this be when life seems so good? Possibly the refrain I would write is actually the life I am currently living. It's so good and fertile right now that I can't access the depth of my feelings, emotions and all the stuff that makes for really good art! That seems very sad to me. Maybe my "dry bones" will be brought to life soon. I keep hoping....

why I love teenagers

2008-10-20T19:53:00.000-07:00

I've been waiting a really long time for the bad, horrible, tension filled days of teenage life to enter our household. Seriously, in a sort of hold your breath, wait for the other shoe to drop sort of way, I've wondered when things will get really bad. When will my kids refuse to talk to me? When will they sneak out of the house and not tell me? Or go somewhere completely different than where they told me they were going? Fact of the matter is, this has not happened. And as a parent, I feel similar to the way I felt when both of my daughters, respectively, started sleeping through the night at around six to eight weeks of age! Shhhhhh, don't share this with any other parents, because they might just chop your head off or worse!

I absolutely love my daughters. Now, I am in no way deluded. They are not perfect people and they have inherited their share of flaws from both me and my husband. They are probably not going to win any academic awards or be named all-league athletes or the like. But, they have some qualities that I find exceptional, remarkable and God-given.

Let me list a few:
- grateful for what they have and seldom ask for things beyond our means
- they do their own laundry
- they fix their own lunches for school
- one of them is an exceptional cook and the other a great baker
- neither one of them complains about going to church, youth group or the like....they do it willingly and are generally involved in more than would be minimally expected
- sensible
- concerned for others and the planet
- generous
- good, healthy senses of humor
- not overly concerned about looks or fashion
- appropriate and growing sense of independence

Okay, that's enough gloating for now....I am mostly sad that these are not the kinds of traits or qualities that we generally are looking for or affirming in our teenagers. If you live with one, teach one, lead one, know one in any context, the next time you have a conversation with a teenager, ask them things that would draw out matters of person rather than GPA, intended college or latest sporting achievement. You might be surprised!

I serve two churches

2008-10-16T15:03:00.000-07:00

Those of you who know me know that I am a pastor of a small, aging, liberal congregation in the East Bay (California). What you may not know, though, is that I seem to be pastoring another church, too. I have an increasing list of folks who regularly call on me, meet with me, seek my counsel, reflect with me about spiritual and life matters, but come nowhere near the doors of my church on a Sunday morning. This has not been an intentional development and it has grown slowly over time. Let me share with you some descriptions of just a few of the "members" of my second congregation: * a peer who is a single mom and very spiritual, but not religious - a very common description * a young woman in her 20's who is a devout Christian, but has questions about her relationships her career, etc * a man I counseled 20 years ago at high school church camp who just found me on Facebook * a newly married woman whose struggling and whose husband is not a Christian * a friend who has become disillusioned with the church after years of active involvement * and many more I share this because I'm wrestling with what it means....for me, for the church, for these individuals and so many others who are searching for something that does not look exactly like what church has looked like for the last 50 years (or more). The real challenge is to communicate this with my first church and to share the ministry I have with them. If anyone out there has any ideas, please let me know!

Ignoring it all

2008-10-13T16:37:00.000-07:00

I do not want to know the news
I would rather fill the pews
with folks who want to hear good news

I'd rather not lament the past
I'd really rather have a blast
I'd like to go and have some fun
or help some others, even one

I hate to think that the world is bad
or that people everywhere are so sad
Can't we just think positively
please let me see your face full of glee

There is some hope, there has to be
Perhaps it's just around the corner, ooh, I see
And if it isn't here or there,
Just for the moment,
I don't care!

Best things in life...

2008-10-02T16:21:00.000-07:00

Saturday is my birthday.....one more year til the big 5-0! Wow, where do the years go????
Anyway, it seems a great opportunity to share my greatest joys. I just feel so full of gratitude right now for....
....An awesome, supportive, generous, hard-working and partner for a husband.
.....Daughters who give me such joy for the ways in which they are growing and becoming
.....A place where I can minister and share my gifts to such a wide variety of people (ages, stages of life, varieties of theologies, etc)
.....So many amazing friends from so many different facets of my life, create an extended family that fills my heart with love and imagination
....Music, music, music
.....a God of grace, compassion, justice and love
.....health, home, and all good gifts
In the words of the t-shirt maker, "Life is Good....do what you love, love what you do"

Writer's Block

2008-09-27T11:55:00.000-07:00

What does one do when the resistance is so great? How do we move beyond the point where we are certain we have nothing worth saying? What happens when the doubts creep in? The creative killers are stalking you at every corner. You're not a writer, no one cares about what you have to say, no one has commented on your blog in weeks, and on and on goes the negative tape.

It's like so much other work that requires discipline and regular endeavor - keep writing, keep painting, keep singing, keep playing, keep dancing. A friend of mine used to say that there were only two times that you should exercise -- when you feel like it and when you don't! Such is the case with artistic and spiritual endeavors. Just keep after it. The fruits are not always evident, but they will emerge. One cannot reap if one does not sow.

Why being a pastor is a strange profession

2008-09-22T20:10:00.000-07:00

1. For starters, almost all my friends and family start to get more excited for the weekend, as Friday approaches. Even if I have Saturday away from work, the impending sermon to preach on Sunday morning is never far from me
2. Then, Monday morning arrives and almost all of my family and friends are off to work and school, while I am doing my best to practice Sabbath
3. We pastors spend a lot of time talking about and being around stuff that most people try to avoid - sickness, death, brokenness, divorce, addiction, loss of faith, etc.
4. This is not a job - if I were an accountant, most likely, I could stop counting beans at the end of the day. If I were a construction worker, I'd come home and be a mom, a wife, and all the other hats a woman wears, but I'd probably no longer do stuff that resembled being a construction worker. However, as a pastor, the role and the person don't separate very easily. Even if I can extricate myself internally, as soon as I step out my front door, and encounter another person, I most often am treated as pastor.
5. The chain of command and assessment of one's work is often elusive and intangible.
6. I get paid to do stuff like pray, read, talk to people, listen to people, pray some more. That doesn't sound like a job to most people.

You may wonder what has led me down this path of reflection....well, today was Monday, my day off. However, a beloved and significant member of our congregation had open heart surgery today. So, after some down time in the morning, I found myself in a hospital waiting room with family members, hoping for good news. The news was good. A first hurdle - coming out of surgery, having the doctor say he was "pleased" with the results, etc. After some time, the family going into see their father and husband, I left to resume my day off. I was distracted by my Blackberry and missed the fact that an elevator was open and a man asked me if I was going down. He probably asked me a couple of times before I came to. I joked about the question should be am I even awake and alert. When we got to the lobby and got off together, he stopped and commented how crazy this was. He said his mother was having open heart surgery, and he was going downstairs to meet his brother-in-law who was in emergency. I could see the look of distress and sheer panic on his face. Without skipping a beat, I told him I was a pastor and asked him if he would like me to pray with him. What!!????? Oh my gosh, this was not me, Gail, asking this, it was surely God. This is who I have become, not who I am! I was standing next to him, hand on his shoulder, and praying something, before I even had really thought about the implications of such an offer, or what I would say. His wife and daughter were just coming around the corner when I was finishing and I'm sure that must have been shocking to see some strange woman with a hand on their father/husband, but once they got the story, their faces were both relieved and grateful.

Then, I walked on out the door and to my car and hoped that I was going to resume my day off...but at that point, doing so with much less certainty because being a pastor is a strange profession.

life is not for the faint-hearted

2008-09-19T23:04:00.000-07:00

A parishoner recently told me that getting old is not for the faint of heart. I think I know exactly what he means. The longer I live, the more I realize how fragile, tenuous and uncertain this earthly life really is. Some of us have been shielded from that reality for a longer time than others.
I marvel at how unscathed I have been up to this point in my life. However, there comes a time, when we all realize the blessings and the troubles are pretty random occurrences.
My dad died in December, and what comes with that, in addition to grief and loss, is the stark and shocking idea that I am not getting younger. Aging parents, children in their teens, a few more wrinkles and aches and pains than just a few years ago, and so goes the list.
I also recognize that on my good days, on those days when I'm really aware and alive and present to the moments, that all this mortality and fragility awareness makes me so much more grateful for the moments and days......
for a beautiful dinner with friends,
for coffee and meditation on my balcony in the crisp, fall air,
for the comforts of home,
for a husband who is loving and caring,
for a place to serve and be challenged and share my gifts,
for the freedom to express myself,
for countless ways in which I feel loved and embraced by God.

The Economy

2008-09-17T17:21:00.000-07:00

I find money to be one of the most disturbing and puzzling matters for humanity. Maybe it's just me, but it seems that it is one of those things that is given so much attention and in the end, it often gives so little back. I'm also astonished when there is a disaster or some other really important event that happens, and so often, one of the first things that is talked about is how much money it will cost to recover or what the damages were. It seems like such a superficial way to value and describe life happenings. There is so much attention being given to the economy right now, as the stock market took another slide today. Our dependence and the fact that this can unravel us and make so many people edgy or downright panicked seems to say a lot about who we are as a people. Where do we put our trust? What is it that gives our lives meaning? How do we value ourselves and others? I seriously doubt that dollar signs will do the trick!

2008-09-14T16:52:00.000-07:00

The Holy Spirit is an harpist

And all strings

Which are touched in Love

Must sound.

- Mechtild of Magdeberg

Pluck the strings of my soul and make music to the spheres

Play me like a finely tuned instrument.

I must sound.

Sing

Laugh

Cry

Tune my strings to one another and to the orchestra of life

Play me gently, softly, slowly

Then there will be

Harmony

Balance

Serenity

Sightread the Spirit of God into every note of my being

Improvise and scat all over my life

So I’ll know

Joy

Playfulness

Delight

Compose an original symphony of a diverse and creative life

Beat the drum of justice

On my heart

Peace

Remember

2008-09-11T15:22:00.000-07:00

I find this day brings me to a place of both sadness and hope. Sadness for all the lost opportunities.
Sadness because we don't seem like we've gotten very far. Sadness for all the lives lost. Sadness for war. Sadness for hunger. Sadness for poverty. Sadness for a lack of caring. Sadness for what is lacking. Sadness.....

I also have hope. Hope that change is around the corner. Hope for new leadership. Hope for our children. Hope for the transforming power of Christ. Hope for things not seen. Hope for folks to stand in solidarity for those without hope. Hope that there is a better way and a brighter tomorrow. Hope that springs eternal....rising from ashes, rising from dust, rising from all that looks lost and despairing. Hope!

The Dragonfly

2008-09-09T12:06:00.000-07:00

I was so excited about this picture, but now, I see that the light was not right. All in all, though, it's so amazing just to be able to stand next to a creature like this and take its picture. I just stood there mesmerized by how still it was for a very long time. Almost as if it was attached to the petal of the rose. Not afraid, nowhere to go, no reason to move....just sitting there being a dragonfly. I am not much of a photographer and maybe only a bit more of a writer, but both of them teach me more about being me. So, one of God's creatures lent me just a bit more insight on what it could mean to be human. Thanks, Mr. Dragonfly (or is that Ms.?)

Sunday afternoon musings of a weary pastor

2008-09-07T16:42:00.000-07:00

* Ministry in the church is hard work.
* Ministry in the church is really hard work!
* Sometimes the more we try, the less we accomplish.
* God is generally one giant mystery to me.
* Bay Area sports are no longer the joyful diversion from life's daily trials.
* Community organizing sounds like a pretty good work to me.
* Did I mention that ministry in the church is hard work?
* Sabbath is not an option.
* Beauty will save the world.
* Yes We Can!
* Joy does not come in the morning for all of us ;-)
* I need the patience of Job, the humility of Mother Theresa, the prophetic power of Martin Luther King Jr, the financial prowess of Bill Gates, the entrepreneurial abilities of Steve Jobs, the creativity of Twyla Tharp and direct lineage from Jesus, then, maybe then, I'd be a great pastor. Then again, maybe not!

The Rose Garden

2008-09-04T17:30:00.000-07:00

Hound of Heaven

2008-08-28T21:56:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I am simply haunted by images, people or events in my life. Yesterday I had one of those moments. I was walking with a church member down a busy street in Clayton (okay, I know, some of you think that Clayton is not all that busy) but anyway, it was about 7:15 am and we rounded a curve and saw a young boy walking in the middle of the street next to the median strip. We were concerned for his safety and asked him to come over to the sidewalk. He did and kept walking away from us in the opposite direction. About 5 minutes later the boy returned, running up behind us and asked us what time it was. By now it was 7:20, and then he asked us "Do you know where Diablo View school is?" Now Diablo is the middle school in town and by the young boy's size, I'm guessing it was his first day in this school. He's walking, a long way from the school, doesn't know where it is, exactly and we tried our best to direct him and hoped and prayed for the rest of our walk that he made it and he made it on time. Wow! What do I do with that? What should the church be doing about that? If anyone reads this and has some suggestions, please let me know!

peace

2008-08-26T17:16:00.000-07:00

I took this photo of a photo today. The original is by a photographer named Duke Caldwell. Wonder what the padre is thinking? Is he waiting for something? Praying? Just bored? Or is he in trouble with the Abbott? I wonder.....

Knitting

2008-08-25T21:08:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure if blogging is making me notice more things, or if I'm noticing more things because I'm blogging. I was sitting and knitting in Starbucks today waiting for my younger. There were two rather precocious young girls there with their moms. They were clearly impatient and not enjoying the conversation or the slow pace of drinking coffee. So, one of the moms suggests that they watch me knit. A bit uncomfortable was I, at first. Then, the girls started to ask me questions about the yarn, how long it takes to knit a scarf, who was it for, etc etc. I just was amazed at how eager and inquisitive they were. Also, they talked to me as if I had known them a long time. They talked about going to preschool and kindergarten, about how their little brothers were cranky, and lots of other little life details. It just occurred to me that this conversation probably would never have happened if I did not have my knitting.

So, I just find myself musing over the slower crafts of life - knitting, cooking, gardening, painting, quilting, etc. - seems to me they're about a lot more than the craft, the trade or the products that result. These lost arts are pathways to conversation, journeys to a calmer center (almost zen-like), and ways to re-claim the creator in all of us.

Ahhhhhhhhh it was great to be back

2008-08-24T17:28:00.000-07:00

Ever have one of those days where you just are feeling sorry for yourself? It was one of those days for me. As I was driving home from church, it was exacerbated by seeing all these families out on the school field by our house. Dozens of them! They'd been there all day. The first pathetic thought that came to mind is, "Oh woe is me. Why are all these people out here instead of at church, where they belong!?" I started down that slippery slope of wondering what difference anything I do makes, does the ministry really help anyone, is it all just self-serving and impossible, irrelevant and without a future? The spiral down continues as I then start to doubt whether I can do this and personalize the lack of young people in church to my own failings. Wow! Talk about functional atheism.

Anyway, I arrived home and vowed to continue to work here as it's cooler in my house than in the office. I opened my email and found a note from a church member. The trite saying, "God works in mysterious ways" comes to mind. I'm editing what she said, but this is the essence of it:

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh It was great to be back. I have missed you, and the church and everyone at CVPC. Your sermon today, once again, hit the mark for me! Thank you!!! (some personal stuff I've deleted including ways she has been questioning and some gatherings and comments that have really caused her to question, as well as her personal doubts re: lack of knowledge of scripture) So I have been spending my Sundays in quiet reflection, not learning, not questioning, but soaking in all of the gifts we have here before us. I am still just as confused, but I am happier about it now. So that is why I have been "absent" from services this summer. (some more personal reasons for being away) Funny how things work themselves out, hhhmmmmmm. ( And yes I did thank God for the gift of a good friend)....Thank you again for your words today, they made a difference in my life.

The Tyranny of the Sermon

2008-08-23T21:01:00.000-07:00

Late nighter
Sermon writer
Open eyed
Heart wide
Deep thought
Now what?
Soon comes Sunday
Gotta pray

my friend, Sadie

2008-08-22T13:48:00.000-07:00

I have a friend named Sadie. She is one of my youngest friends. In a week, she'll be two years old. It's funny how much she teaches me. Being around one so young without requirement says to me that it's really good to have a friend who doesn't "need" you to be her friend. Her parents take care of her in so many ways, but they also leave her be and let her be friends with lots of other folks.

I love the way she looks at life. Her questions are so wise. "What's momma doing?" "What's that?" and her statements too, like "Up, please." "I don't know!!!" "uh-oh" and "bump bump"(which means put it back where it was) All of these are such simple phrases and such transparent ways of looking at her world.

We adults become so complicated and so convinced that we already know the answers, so we don't have to ask the questions. We assume we already know what "momma" is doing. We've decided for ourselves what things are. As for the requests and statements, we are seldom vulnerable or interdependent enough to ask another for a lift up and we never, ever, ever want to admit that we don't know something. It is nearly impossible for us to admit that we've done something wrong that would require an"uh-oh" to be uttered from our mouths.

My friends, do remember, "a little child shall lead them."
Peace and grace,
Gail

And another thing....

2008-08-20T16:57:00.000-07:00

Today I am feeling very philosophical and nostalgic. In just one week, my two daughters will be entering their 10th and 12th grades of high school. I have lots of friends who have babies, toddlers, elementary school kids and friends who have college students, single adults and children with children of their own (in other words, grandchildren!) I have loved every age and stage of my girls' growth, progressively more than the one before it. I'm not one who really likes things to stay the same. My sameness is really about things always changing. However, it is amazing to me that the one in this picture was wearing a plaid skirt, cotton blouse, holding a lunch pail and a backpack for her first day of kindergarten 10 years ago. Where did the time go? I am fairly certain that those of us who have or have had children will never quite get over marking the beginning of a year in late August or early September. It is my prayer that this year more children will have homes, more children will have adequate nourishment, more children will go to bed with assurance that they will sleep peacefully through the night, more children will know love and support, and more children will be whole people. Otherwise, it is hard for me to understand why God has blessed me with so many opportunities and these assurances for my own children. I hope we'll all be encouraged to share these blessings with others. A wise friend of my mom's used to say that our children do not belong to us, but God has simply loaned them to us for a little while. I'm enjoying my little while! Thanks God and thank you Allison and Shannon. Amen.

The end or the beginning

2008-08-13T11:57:00.000-07:00

I've spent the last ten days at home, mostly, studying, writing, reflecting, working on such things as worship schedules, confirmation classes, talks for a women's retreat in the fall, and in between, doing really ordinary things like auto maintenance, grocery shopping, and doctor appointments. Well, let's be totally honest I also have logged a fair amount of hours watching the Olympics and the finale of So You Think You Can Dance (yea, Joshua!)

Anyway, there is something oddly calming and right about this rhythm. The sacred and the profane. The ordinary and the extraordinary. The miraculous and the explainable. However, sometimes I can't tell which is which.

Breast Cancer Help

2008-07-28T16:56:00.001-07:00

Some of you know I'm a frustrated artist....I encourage you to go take a look at this blog and the Pink Doll created by 182 different artists as a fund raiser and to raise awareness for breast cancer:
http://girl-gone-thread-wild.blogspot.com/2008/05/pink-artist-drawing-august-1-october-15.html

I'm back

2008-07-23T16:34:00.000-07:00

So, it really has been far too long since I've done this writing thing on a regular basis. Observing, seeing, listening, reflecting, praying, musing, sharing et al. I tend to think I've been too busy pastoring and parenting and wifing (being a wife) and personing (being self), to do this writing thing. Hmmmmm, an excuse, perhaps? Avoidance, definitely! So what is it that holds me back, holds all of us back, from sharing our true selves, the gifts, the passions, the identities, the beliefs, the thoughts, all of it. Why is there so little "real" in the world these days? Instead, we have virtual communication, social networking via computer, online banking, the church of the cyberspace, e-harmony, and on and on it goes.
Don't get me wrong, I love this stuff! It challenges me, keeps me feeling young and in touch. I love the convenience. I can even can feel a bit hip when I recognize that I am more technically savvy than some of my peers (both professional and in age), but the whole techno rave can also make me feel empty, void and like I'm missing something. Something big. Something tangible. Something real. Something like human contact with another human being....live, in front of me, talking to me. Sipping the coffee I bought instead of looking at the picture of it on the Facebook message I just sent them!
There is this really old fashioned idea that I learned from my Midwestern ancestry, when I was growing up, in the day of 8-track tapes, no cell phones and only 3 really good channels on the TV: everything in moderation. My prayer for today is that the next time we spend a lot of time on FB, Myspace, YouTube, Twitter, etc., we might actually pick up a phone, and schedule a real, live, human encounter with a friend or family member.....just for the nostalgia of it all!

where have I been?

2008-07-18T13:14:00.000-07:00

That is a very good question...9 months and no posts, what kind of blogger am I? The last time I wrote I was in a different church, doing totally different work, and so much has happened since then. I would love to say I've been away because I've been too busy, doing too many worthwhile things, serving others without fail, and extending myself for noble causes of social justice and equality. However, that would be a far stretch of the truth. A more accurate alibi would be my own reluctance to write and my lack of discipline. It's much harder to be open and transparent about that sort of lacking. So, I'm back and hope to create something worthwhile for anyone who would care to read.

Contrary

2007-09-19T21:20:00.000-07:00

God looks on me with love
I look away
God loves me tenderly
I abruptly turn my back
God extends a hand of help
I play the stubborn 4 year old and declare,
"I can do it myself!"
God provides everything and everyone I need
I continue to yearn for something and someone else
God knows every bit of me
I pretend to hide away
God presses in on me

I pull away

God wins
I surrender all

Playtime

2007-09-13T10:35:00.001-07:00

Creative work is play. That means when one is doing this work, it's serious fun. There is nothing frivolous about it, but it has freedom and joy and unexpected pleasure.
Free speculation - like the wondering questions of Godly Play. What is your favorite part of this story? What do you think this part of the story means? What part of the story could you take away and still have all the story you need?

Using the materials of one's chosen form - words, actions, dance, visuals, light, fabric, drama - a limitless range of materials with which to proclaim the word of God. Godself expanded the forms by sending the Word made flesh, dwelling among us. This is the heart of our speculation. Speculation has sort of a negative connotation in our vocabular these days. It implies that we don't KNOW what will happen with the use of these creative materials, but that we're just speculating, experimenting, playing and stepping back to allow the mystery of meaning to take over. Sometimes it does, sometimes it doesn't.

For the mystics, the play-ers, and the creatives in this world, to speculate is often enough. There is no need for an answer, a truth, conclusive evidence or facts beyond a shadow of a doubt. The speculators are happy to keep such matters in court rooms and laboratories. There certainly is no need to put such proofing in our sanctuaries, chapels, or prayer gardens. Speculators are an odd bunch, even among our religious kindred. Our human friends want evidence, we want freedom. We say, "don't muddy the beauty with formulas and steps to follow. God is not there. God is between the lines, the spaces, the cracks, the crevices, the rests, the carved out stone, the before and after taste, and on and on. God is not so much the flame, but the air that moves and dances and flickers the flame, and God is the dimness that gives way to the light. God is not the answer to our prayer so much as God is the faith, despair and hope that calls out for an answer.

Perhaps you would say this limits God, but I say it makes God more real. Who can believe? Who can create? The one who waits is the one who sees and knows God. What have we missed when we think we already know God or have a picture or image of who God is? We miss the waiting, the wondering, the hoping, the expectancy. We cannot be among the found if we do not believe we are lost. May we always find ourselves hidden but waiting for God to seek us. Waiting for God to say, "Ready or not, here I am/come."

NOTHINGNESS

2007-09-12T20:00:00.000-07:00

Have you learned the art of doing nothing so that "something" can emerge? I do believe over time that I have learned this lesson from time to time. I am not flawlessly skilled at it, but I am more aware of the potential and much more anticipatory of the fruit that can come from dormancy, lying fallow in the deep, peaty moss of a dark, cool nothingness.....soaking in the rsidual moisture and resting in the earth that will produce an environment for growth. I can feel myself desiring such conditions, even now. I am not certain that many of my colleagues understand the power of nothing. Most are far too nervous about their position, their popularity or their productivity. We all strive because we believe our key to living well is to be needed. But the simply truth is, no one needs us. We fool ourselves. And if there is one who has need of us, it is usually not the one we choose to serve. The need comes from those who can give us nothing in return. So, do nothing or do something because nothing or no one requires it of you. Then, watch the miraculous being born!

Silent Explosion

2007-08-27T11:29:00.000-07:00

A reflection from Aug. 14
"Silent explosion....the phrase leaps into my conscience with all sorts of images. A deafening quiet. A still, small voice. The sound of sheer against sheer. Barely audible yet loud with meaning. So soft that most don't even know to listen for it or hear its cries. How does one tune one's ears for the quiet bomb of expression or the muted blast of messages? How does one quiet one's self? Noise begets noise. Anxiety breeds more of the same. A body in motion stays in motion, a body at rest stays at rest.
Be still. Start at the toes and work your way up. Quiety every fiber of your being. Then be ready for an infusion of peace that passes understanding and knowing. Risk yourself to the combusion of the Wholly Spirit. Your very being is made of things that do not speak or scream or make noise - cells, water, blood, breath - al of them just are. Why, then, when these are combined do they create such nervous, anxious, frenetic, product-driven, busy body creatures? Afraid of the silence, fearful they have no worth unless they are scurrying around filling voids with over-scheduled calendars, endless to-do lists and resumes of accomplishments. Be still. Shhhh. No one is benefitting from your pace. You do not add to your life by putting more agendas on like Mrs. Winchester added rooms to her house. STOP. Breathe. Inhale. Exhale. Remeber what it was to be free. There are si! lent ex plosions of possibility all around and within you. The noise of the world would seek to drown out the silence. But you deserve the quiet.
God is speaking. God is whispering. God is silently exploding in your heart.

Sunday Sunday

2007-08-26T20:42:00.000-07:00

From time to time I think about changing my day off from Monday to another day, that is until I preach on Sunday. By the time of day I am so deeply grateful to have Monday off. I'm wiped out, exhausted, spent and ready for my own Sabbath. I drift into bed and dream of a slow lazy morning with my journal, a cup of Peets and my big easy chair. All of that dreaming is before I realize I need to work out, do the laundry, run errands for the girls, plan the night's dinner, and start planning the sermon for next Sunday! Alas, my dreaming is short lived.

First Entry

2007-05-04T21:39:00.000-07:00

How does one begin a blog? To blog or not to blog, this is the question. Blog scmog. Blog blog bo bog, banana fana fo fog, fe fi mo mog, blo-og. To whom do I blog? When you say the word blog it sounds like you meant to say something else but your nose was stuffed up. What would Jesus blog? I have friends who believe that I have important and interesting things to say, and that I should have my own blog. I have resisted this for a long time. I'm sure most of you can see why now. I promise to begin to write something more meaningful very soon. Well, I probably should not make such promises, but I really will try.